#Can whatever possesed me with this talent do it again

[doodle17]

Something really fuckin tasty about the way I drew the hands In This

Look at em. The Skronklys

[thelesbianlegacy-swtor]

OC list of the MMO LESBIAN

SarapAlexandria Duvel <3 Vette

Sith Warrior

Human, brown short hair, 1,78, D cups, she likes dressin on armor that is bulkier than a tank or in a tank top and leggings. Dark eyes and light skin

Lesbian. LOVES toys in bed

Headcannons

Has a personal Dreagnough that she uses as a colliseum. She has taken into training new sith in combat. More than her apprentices they are more of gladiators for her to fight.

Kinda crazy. Likes to bounce around and do Tons of damage. She is feroucios about defending the Empire and believes that the republic is doomed. Has archived the impossible more than a dozen times so no plan is to crazy or stupid for her. Gratefully, her wife knows what is too stupid or too crazy and so she fixes those plans so her big sith girl can go fight monsters and other people.

Married Vette. Only she can make her laught so much that she forgets she is angry. The tiny girl is so adorable and so cute and jsut so horny for Alexandria that the two of them spend 3 months on a horny induced honeymoon. Even now after the war with zakuul they keep having more honeymoons whenever they get the chance.

She wasnt all that hurt by Quinns betratal. Like, hey man fatman told you to kill me so no biggie- But from now on you are my bitch and i will bully you over all this k?

Jaesa kinda bugs her. She is Dark side but not SO crazy but still she is kinda...tiny. Alexandria likes to challenge her to crazy stuff and she always gets on trouble with her, but Jaesa is so young and sometimes weak that 

Pierce is her best freind. A total madman when it comes to battle, a blootthirsty man that will not doubt in choosing violence but also super trusthworthy and she knows he will stop her from getting killed in stupid ways

For her Broonmark is her fluffy monster! Just point release and watch blood by spilled. She makes him shower after every bottle and use proucts on his hair cause she likes how soft he gets.

She remains a free agent causing chaos everywhere. She is not quick to kill always tho. If she got a good fight with someone she will usually let them live so they can fight again.

She is the most sexually proactive girl around. She will get every pair of cute or hot tiddies on a bed along side Vette. She is a bit dom and doesnt like playing sub, but she will play passive.

Master of Shien and Juyo, she likes to go crazy with a lightsaber and destroying the place but doesnt really like dual wielding

Seraphine <3 Temple

Sith Agent. New code name: Specter

Cyborg, mostly internal components on her eye, brain and bones. 1,96M, Long hair, usually red but she likes dying it. C cups, She wishses to get more tits but she has to be stealthy. She likes using loose clothes with lots of cleavege. She isnt a fan of bras.

Lesbian Switch. Likes bondage and public stuff. She can and will play any part on roleplay. From the scared virgin to the cruel dominatrix

Headcannons

A master of hidding on plain sight. Seraphine is the kind of woman who blends everywhere. She likes attention from the spotlight just to let it go 5 minutes later. She has the talent of being so likeable that any girl that gets close to her on bed, never gets mad with her for leaving or just going for another girl. She also has a perfect memory and will remember how you like to be touch, how much you moan or what kind of cnadies you like when you are on your days. She is as soft as she is Ruthless. She has never regret killing anyone for more than an hour. Unless she kils someone she has slept with she will pull the triger no matter what. This includes civilians, wounded and allies. After Chapter 3 she left the identity of Cypher 9 and became a shadow agent for the Empire. Her new code name: Specter. 

After the War with Zakuul she was left on charge ofthe Alliance by Darth Nox. Both the Ex Imperial Wrath and the Supreme Huntress stayed behind with her. 

She doesnt like Kaliyo. No. She is no fun. She likes to hurt and doesnt look after girls. She was particulary angry at her at the start because she would try to get on the way of her time with other girls. So Seraphine got Kaliyo a cute chasity belt and allowed her to focus on chaos outside the bedroom. That way they both can get what they want. Chaos and attention.

Vector is her special little guy. Confident. Trusthworthy. But really fun to mess up with. Seraphine tells him to do weird stuff just to get a laught at weird situation. She also helps him send money for Killik Joiners. She likes that he is simple

Lokin is a weird guy for Seraphine.He could do a lot of stuff with the ragkghoul virus but she likes that he is quiet and calm. She likes trying tea with him

Ensign Temple is the only girl that has kept Seraphine attention span for more than 1 night. She likes her a lot because she cant read her as well as other people and so she makes her angry just to learn more about her. She forgot how it felt to get to know someone through time and so she likes to keep her around. She also likes Temple is super organized and loyal

Seraphine can never choose fast between either a big rifle or a tiny blade under her dress. She likes how chaos erupts after a person gets shots down but she also likes to be close when her target takes their last breath

FUCK SCORPIO UwU

Arthemys Delos <3 Mako

Huntress

Built like a tank, She likes lifting Mako to train her big guns. She is a cyborg with lots of internal components and a cybernetic leg (left) She isnt the tallest girl, she is 169 (nice) but she has the biggest tiddies. She carries two E cups that she loves to put on Mako’s face. She has black short hair

Lesbian 

Total top but wont say no to being topped every know and then

Headcannons

Money,gambling, explosions and pretty girls, Arthemis cares for little more than that. As long as she can fire guns, gamble money and have a bed with a pretty girl on it she will do an job. She loves hunting animals and will almost never reject a bounty. What she wont do, is just say yes to any quest or mission. She can get money as easy as she can waste it and so throwin credits at her doesnt work. Only if the work isnt something she dislikes or too easy or boring she will do it. She has a few internal implants after playing with grenades when she was young.

Mako is hers. Hers alone. She wont let her go beyon her sight and will actually get restless for being away from her too long. Arthemis is possesive which Mako kinda likes.

The two of them likes being on top of eachother as much as possible but a extra pair of hands or tiddies make them both pretty happy. Most of the time, is actually Mako who gets the girl.

Gault is jsut too fun not to keep around. Arthemis wouldnt call him his best friend becuase she suspects the guys can be bought but he is fun either way. She like getting a lot of money with him and then wasting it all or just not taking the pay,just to mess up with him.

Torian is fun. Sometimes. He is a mandalorian and she likes fighting strong people. But Torian is a bit more serious that she would like. She doesnt like people dying because then she cant fight them again and so she doesnt like some decisions of the mandalorian. But at the end of the day the trust that the two share is one of a brotherhood.

Blizz. God Damm Blizz. When Arthemis got Mako on her bed and then into her family she thought she coulnt be happier. She was wrong. The little jawa makes everything better. As chaotic as her and even weirder than Gault, Arthemis just cant stop keeping the jawa around

YOU READ MY COMMENT ABOUT SCORPIO? WELL THAT X2

Selendis likes using two big guns to shot down her enemies. She doesnt really enjoy going around in huge armor so she keeps herself kinda light. But her armor is still a bit big. Why you ask? Cause she loves the feeling of having not only a flamethrower but also grenades, missiles, hooks and electric weapons all stuffed in her body. 

Selendis <3 Lana and Senya

Sith Inquisitor

Sith girl with piercing orange eus and long amazing black hair. She is 182 and as sith that focus on range combat, she took the luxury of enhancing her breasts to a nice DD cups. She doesnt like jewelry but she has a few tattoos. 

Sorcerer

Lesbian. The one to dom them all.

No amount of girls is too much when it comes to Selendys

A proud, stylish and master manipulator Selendis believes that the empire can be improved but even in its current state is better than the republic. She is patient and ruthless and wont stop until the galaxy is back on order. She left the alliance and took overthe sith empire after letting Acina step down. Seriously, no killing her just “Try and stop me from getting the throne”

Khem Val is her personal monster. A warrior of another time which she swears wont ever be forgotten. She has taken into redacting whatever information the dashade gives her. She has task him ith protecting everyone she deems worthy of her interest

Andronikos is a fun and interesting man. He is a pirate with experience and a code. Hard things to find. Selendis enjoys him being slipery and smartass. She also enjoys the acces to the underworld the man provides. Over all she likes that the betrayed man has once more put his trust on someone. She wont abuse it but she prides herself of it

Ashara. The little puppy. She has learn about the dark side and the sith and yet she keeps herself on a reaching point from the jedi order. Still she has a point of view that is useful and welcome. She has teached her everything useful that she could learnt.

Talos. Oh Talos. A men of science and interest. Selendis has swear to protect the smart man just so he can see for once history being made instead of being discovered. Most of the time she has free, she will spent researching stuff with Talos and discussing history

Xalek. Selendis attack dog. A simple desire of the young Kaleesh allowed Selendis to craft a magnificent Student. Xalek belived that she was a god. And so Selendis tasked Xalek to forget about being a kaleesh god, and instead become a sith god. Strength, power, and victory.

Lana Beniko. From the first time Selendis met Lana she was intrigue. A sith that kept her rage and hate deep withing her, so she could serve the empire better. Selendis wasted no time in seducing the sith and keeping her under her control. But soon Selendis lost control and ended up loving her. Lana became her source of power. She would burn the galaxy for her. She also fancid her cute ass and the way she lost control.

Senya Tirall. Selendis doesnt do well with betrayal. And so after defeating Arcann, she was left quite angry when Senya saved him. So, after the war with Zakuul, Selendis threw Senya into a prison and slowly made her crumble. Telling her that both Arcann and Vaylin were death, Offering herself as the only ally, and then leaving her alone. Selendis broke Senya and put her back together in a way that she would enjoy. Despite being more of a pet than a lover, Selendis does love her in her wn special way, and wont let her be hurt.

REPUBLIC OCS

Cassandra (Cassie) Jedi Knight <3 kIRA She tiny! She is 165, amber eyes,C cups she likes to hide on a sport bra and to fight, she has a few scars over her back and shoulder (horny origin) She specialies on Djem So but likes using two lightsbaers instead of one Lesbian Total Bottom girl. Tsundere (will be all agressive but you pet her once and she will melt on your arms)

T7-01 The crimemaster, Teseven will always be there to push Cassie towards any female individual just so Cassie can stop winning about not having a girlfriend. Each time it works, but Cassie ends up lossing the contact or getting pulled out from plannet by the council

Kira. Or like Cassie likes to call her, babe! Cassie was sweap of her feat by how chaotic her padawan was an how incredible persistent she was on taking baths together, giving eachother massages and just being close. Cassie lasted 2.6 seconds the first time she gave her a kiss and fron that day on, she is either fighting or on her girlfriend’s arms. Kira likes to tease Cassie and on nights she makes sure to give her all of her love

Doc. The best partner. Doc is always there for Cassie, wherever she is doing good or bad. Or doing ilegal or legal stuff. He knows Cassie will jump towards danger and he will be there to help her make the galaxy a better place Rusk. There are few things that Rusk hates more than the empire and one of them is how Cassie jumps on top of his back because she is to tiny to get food by herself. Even then, he will die for his little sister becuase he knows she will defeat the empire some day

Scourge. The big old sith might have forgotten what means love, pain or feelings, but he respects Cassie. He knows that despite her size the little jedi is more than capable of busting whatever walls appear on her way, even if it means tapping on the dark side. 

Bella Jedi consular <3 NADIA

She is a curvy girl. D cps on a tallish girl, 178, with a dump track ass. She is thick and she is SHY about it. She likes baggy clothes so her body doesnt show too much. She feels that healing people with her skills is the best call for her but she also agrees that sometimes throwin a massive bould to minnies is good

Qyzen.  Qyzen and Bella are good frends. Mostly, because Qyzen will gladly shoot anyone who calls Bella on her fat ass, and Bella will drop a boulder on anyone who calls him green skin or lizard. The two of them are the type of people who fixate on stuff and they enjoy their hobbies

Tharan. To be honest. Bella didnt think it thorugh when she got Tharan to come with. She was doing it mosly out of pity and because she needed some help. But mostly she just liked Holiday and would be more interested on keeping her rather than him. 

Zenith. Oh dear Zenith. Bella enjoys Zenith attiude. There is little more than that. She isnt as extremist as he is, but she knows that he will do everything on his power to defeat the empire and protect the inocent

Iresso. Oh Ireso is fun. Bella likes to bully him in little wyas. Sometimes she will just pick something ilegal to do to get on his nerves. Thats alls. Well he is all good and good for fights but Bella likes how correct he is and that she can make him mad

Nadia: Her love. Her mistress. Her everything. Everyone has thirsted for her body, and so Bella usually isnt ready to believe most words of love and affection, but Nadia persisted for months, being almost addicted to her body. And so one day Bella let her padawan into her bedroom and cried over her love. Nadia is the type of girl who will devote her heart and soul to her love. She CANT keep her hands off Bella’s body tho, which makes it hard for her to keep clean underwear around

NEW OCS FROM THE NOT PC OCS GAME. 

PRESENTING. THE ARTIST

Sarah Novadust

The lead singer and dancer of the Imperial Idol group “Royal Novas” 

A tallish girl (175cm) a bit petite looking but upclose you notice she has a good pair of thighs and some nice ass. She has GOLDEN hair. Not blonde. Golden. She keeps it on a long ponytail that reaches all the way back to her ass. She is a human girl of 22 years old with Purple eyes due to some alien grandparents

She leads the Royal Nova an Idol Group originated on the Empire. The group is formed by her, 3 back up singers, 5 back up dancers, 2 guitars, piano, drums, violin, and 1 trumpet. The 15 girls are all REAL close to Sarah.. More on that later

Sarah was born on Sarapin. She worked on being an artist since she was young, but when she was around 15 she was blacklisted from most musical firms on the republic over a incident with a manager that wanted to taste her body. Sarah left to spent some times with friends back on Balmorra when the empire attacked. FOr a couple of years she layed low working on some cantinas singing to earn a living. It was there when some sith lady saw her and brought her to Kaas City. Sarah would keep singing for more and more excentic public until she had the favour of enough people that she could stay safe and solo. Then after saving up for some time, she went and convinved a few sith lords and sith officers to put some credits on for a full on idol group. She invited friends and scouted for talent all over the galaxy

As an artist, Sarah likes mixing her young excitement with imperial overconfidense. She knows that playing it safe wont work and so she makes every song and perfomance into a way to improve herself more and more. With a big group of girls to help her she has managed to perform or even Dark council members and Senators from the republic. 

As a young woman, Sarah attracts a lot of people. She isnt the most strong willed person, nor she is particulary aggresive. That is excaclty the reason why each and every member of the Royal Novas is madly in love with her. Each girl looks over their leader as a little kitten to be protected. Of course, Sarah doesnt mind the attention and as long everyone plays nice, she will open her heart to the entire group. With 22 years old, a massive fallowing, more credits that she can count and a polyamourous relationship with 14 girls, Sarah's life is just the best

[popculturebuffet]

Adventure Time: What Was Missing Review

We celebrate Bi-Visablity day with our first look at adventure time! We get our first true taste of Bubbline when the two are forced to work together along with Finn, Jake and BMO to try and get a door powered by music and honesty open to get their stuff back from a well meaning creep what stole it from them. Gay Subtext, Jake shapeshifted into billy idol and rpping off a childlike robot’s face insue. Quit the band and then rejoin the band when dramatically approriate under the cut. 

Happy Bi Visablity Day! As you can tell i’m running behind, real life stuff coupled with not finding about this day until yesterday, something that for obvious reasons won’t happen again but i’m not going to stew in it too long. Point is it’s a good day, a proud day, and a day I naturally felt the need to celerbate as i’m bi myself, and have tons of bi characters I like, as seen by the fact that the two big arcs I covered for pride both had a bisexual as one of the main leads.  However my pride reviews also left me in sort of a bind as i’d used up most of what was in my tank. Luckily I had a few ideas, and among them a review I INTENDED to get to for Pride Month, but my overestimating my own productivity meant some got shelved for later. SO let’s take this one off the shelf and talk about adventure time shall we?  Adventure Time was my faviorite show once upon a time, being one of the front runners of the second annimation renisance of the 2010′s, it wasn’t a hgue suprise.. but it did take me a while to go from casually watching it to REALLY obessing over it, similar to regular show. Like Regular Show while the show wasn’t bad, it was just okay, with creative settings and what not but fairly simplistic characters. Season 2 would sharpen the comedy and add a smidge of emotoinal depth but it was with that season’s finale the show really showed what it could do: IN the same show that earlier in the season had a snail hyjack our heroes house and the two agree out of the kidness of hteir hearts and wanting hteir house back to help him get laid, we had a deathless, relentless monster who was determined to kill everything and voiced by ron goddamn perlman, who nearly succeded in beating our heroes and did end up possesing one of them and killing her for about 5 minutes. It showed the show could really step up in scope when it wanted while still getting really fucking weird and funny.  So season 3 crystalized all that, still having tons of great comedy but also having episodes like Memory of a Memory, which not only gave Marcie’s rather sad and complicated backstory, or at least the first pre-simon part, and the infamous Holly Jolly Secrets where we found out local weirdo and king of incels and ice the ice king was actually once a meek researcher who put on a cursed crown and ended up slowly devolving into madness like something out of a john carpenter movie. The show really deepend the cast, while keeping tthe usual brisk tone and it paid off getting better and better, then backsliding a bit, then going back to better by the end.  I did slide out of the show after a while, but I never really stopepd caring about it and the last year really made me step back and remmeber how much I loved it. And this episode is one of those reasons and one of the things that made season 3 what really defined the show. It was also one of the gayest episodes in cartoon history, before other cartoons actually got away with doing more.  What Was Missing was written by future Steven Universe creator and all around Peach, Rebecca Sugar, who was part of why the show got so sucessfl and steered the ship for a few seasons before leaving to make Steven Universe and even more animation history. Seriously I can’t blame her for her current sabatacle: Whatever she does next is going to have the pressure to utterly change the game and no one wants to step into that right away after running a show for 6 years. So what makes this so great? Well let’s figure it out shall we? 

The episode opens with Finn going to get his secret hunk of Princess Bublegum’s hair. Yup. I’ve had troulbe parsing this because what he’s doing is entirely wrong. BUTTTTT it’s also a 13 year old boy, said hair is naturally just a wad of gum, and the show clearly show’s he’s embrassed by the fact he still has this and that the person who thinks there’s nothing wrong with this is Jake, whose the same guy who once did this to his brother. 

So while his longterm relationship shows h’es good with women he’s not a good judge of what’s approriate. But after teasing his brother and letting him know he knows about the hair, Jake offers to share his hidden possesion, his blankie.. before a weirdo with a key on his head comes in and steals the blankie, the hair wad, and BMO’s controller then creates a door in time and space and heads through.  Our heroes chase after this dude through his doors  as he steals a toy from a kid for.. some reason, it dosen’t quite synch up with his later motive, and something from Bubblegum, who comes with along with Marceline who seemingly has something stolen. Our quintent eventually chase the guy to a giant door that’s unopenable, the door of the door lords.  PB explains what’s up: The dipstick who stole their stuff was a doorlord, a race that she attempted to lockup long ago.. but found it impossible “Because their doorlords” aka because you really can’t keep someone in prision who can just make a door out of it and whatever magic they had she clearly couldn’t contain, likely because of her later established hatred of magic and most likely just calmed down after that to avoid escalating things further. Or something. Why they never showed up again.. I really don’t know. The concept, a bunch of mysterious beings that can fold time and space and don’t talk, and as the episodewill prove have good intentions but go about them in a bad way, is really good and given the show had 7 more seasons after this, and started to really pile on the mythology, I question why this bit of it never came up again despite being really intresting.  

Marcy chides her for not just killing them all, which is hilarious in hindsight to me. While they likely had’nt thought of it  yet, her later backstory has her committing genocide on all the vampires of Ooo, hence why she’s the only one we see until Stakes. It just adds a bit of probably unintend depth to the line: Her ruthless, carefree pre-character development self probably just thinks that’s the easiest solution without considering the fact some of them may be innocent because she rarley considers anything. Just good character stuff. 

So Finn reads the door which reveals the gimmick it has: to be opened it has to be a song sung by a genuine band.. and the genuine part is something I honestly dind’t think about first few times watching this, but is a nice hint at how to really get the door open. More on that later. Finn suggests starting said band since most of the mhave musical talent with Jake agreeing as long as he can be the group asshole. 

Marcy, being the one who’s a musician for an unliving, is naturally the first to take charge, to Bubblegum’s annoyance but she suggests a chill jam, with Jake taking on a british accent, because 50% of all assholes in media are british and because only in britan could you sell an ep of you and your bandmate/brother fighting. No really that’s a thing that happened, thank yout odd in the shadows for letting me know that happened. 

The best thing? This CHARTED.  So yeah our band is formed and Marcy suggests a laidback jam and putting on a decent one that’s a nice gentle song about burying people in the ground but seems to be nice.. then it becomes clear what it’s about, and why there’s so much danged tension between her and bubblegum with one simple line. And it’s always a credit to a writer when you can pivot everything with a line, it’s a skill most need. 

“I’m going to drink the red from your pretty pink face” Yeah there’s no real grey area here. This is about explicit as you can be with their former relationship without outright shouting “They were a thing once” Or having Marcy do an accoustic version of Jodeci’s Freak N You. Which is a thing I want now if anyone reading this has olivia olson’s ear, or if by some miracle she’s reading this in which case “Hi I really love your work also why in the hell are you reading this i’m not that good holy shit thank you”, please ask her to do that.  And now we get to why I chose this one: I admit I put this one on the backburner because, as far as I was concerned, it wasn’t on screen full died in wool gay content.. and I was wrong. You have to take steps to get representation, fight hard, kick and claw and scratch and bite to get representation into media, let alone CHILDREN’S Media because god forbid we show kdis that GASP gay people exist and would give them slightly less money to throw at their competitors in money fights I assume bilionares have. just fuck off with this shit already, christ it’s 2020 and most shows that have had gay characters have gotten tons of attnetion and conservative assholes protesting it only makes the rest of us aware it exists and more liable to check it out. Fuck off and do the right thing you fucking greedy, selfish, incosidrat emorons. 

That tyrade out of the way the point is representation takes time and Rebecca took a hell ofa risk to her florshing career pushing for this. You don’t get to steven universe without this episode, for a number of reasons, and you don’t get to all the other gay without an example to point to and say “see this works your being stupid,, stop being stupid and let us gay dammit”. So I felt this episode, and these two in general as we’ll get to in later reviews, deserved it’s fair due. 

Back to the actual plot, Bubblegum responds to this mildly flirty and remotley suggestive line. with “Marceline, that’s too distastful” Peebs.. she just made a suggestivish metaphor about wanting to make out with you, she isn’t talking about how good your vagina tastes. which is probably really good because bubblegum is delcious but that’ snot a line of discourse i want to get into now or ever.  MOre on this in a sec.  Marcy naturally dosen’t take this well, nor should she, and launches into one of the series greatest songs and one of rebecca sugar’s best work, which is saying something. “I’m Just Your Problem”

Olivia Olson deserves credit too: While Rebecca wrote and composed this amazing bit of music, but her delivery is great, keeping the same tone the whole time while still singing beautifully and conveing just how.. hurt marcy is, with the excellent animation complimenting it. Rewatching it is a joy and I wish it hadn’t taken me this long to get back to the song again.  It’s also a real tearjerker, in a way I didn’t even realize at the time, as the lyrics point out why Marcy is so upset with her: She’s frustrated with how PB seems to resent the fact that unilke her subjects she dosen’t worship her, she dosen’t do what she says.. befor edigging in deep, asking if THAT’S why she avoids her and really cuts both her and the audience deep with this line  “It’s like i’m not even a person am I?” The animation also deserves credit for a moment.. I didn’t notice it before rewatching the song a few times for this review.. but while PB starts and ends the song angry... around this part she looks hurt.. like for one moment her stoic, needs ot be in control, needs to be mature and queenly at all times mask is broken and she’s shaken by realizing just how much she hurt her. It says VOLUMES about what they used to be without giving us a full backstory and it’s wonderful. She still cares.. she just can’t express it properly. Marcy continues her muscial slam saying she dosen’t need to justify herself, and that she dosen’t need to apologize, and shouldn’t be as the gate almostopens.. only for it to stop when Marcy refuses to be open.  And that gets to the heart of why the two fell apart back then, whenever back then was and what’s obvious from here: Both have a habit of holding people at arms length emotoinally but both are such VASTLY diffrent people they couldn’t get through each others walls. For Marcy she’s immortal and has gone through a few hundered years of watching anyone she cares about die, loosing her mother, having her biological dad abandon her and be utterly terrible at actually connecting with her or being empathetic anyway, and having her surrogate dad slowly go insane and having HIM abandon her too if for her own good and then presumibly finding him later as a horrifying shell of his former self, and her ex boyfriend solkd the one reminder she HAD of said man and insulted her over it. She’s had a hard, devistating life and as we see her at this point she keeps people at arms length because she knows they won’t last, it taking some time for her to stop treating finn like a toy to play with and start treating him like her friend and realize that even with her immortality just jackassing around for hundreds of years willl only make her more miserable.  PB also does.. but it’s becaue she’s a very regimented person who belivies things have to be one thing, is utterly rigid in her way of thinking, and rules her people with a benveolnt cnady coated iron fist. She means well, can care about people and is better at forming connectoins despite knowing they’ll be fleeting.. but also has a bad habit of just.. not thinking about what others FEEL just waht’s best to them. She opresses her people, spies on them, locked up an innocent child instead of helping her or adopting her like she clearly needed, and tried to genocide a whole race of robots simply because they MIGHT be a threat to her world. PB at this stage needs things so structured and so her way, she forgets sometimes.. she’s wrong. Wheras Marcy sees her immortality as a curse and hides it behind a seemingly carefree nature, PB sees it as neccity but let it cut her off from other people, still brefirend and love them but hold them a ta distance so she could do the things that needed to be done, the work that needed doing ot insure her people surivive forever and she dosen’t outlive them.  Both have been left stunted by their immortality, and both were in no shape for a relationship, thouguh while I’m sure marcy didn’t help with her issues with honesty, PB probably did the most damage, both not wanting to risk something outside her perfectly consttructed bubble threanting things, and not being able to resist trying to control her lover instead of treat her as an equal. Thankfully both would get better and by present day the two are toegheter or about to be, and both in the place for that to actually WORK. But this shows sometimes relationships just dont work because your not ready yet.. but that you CAN get a second chance, and the one benfiit of being immortal is you don’t have as big a risk as dying without having that chance come up. 

But yeah this fails, and while Jake storms off, Finn tries to have a friendly pasta dinner to keep everyone left together, with Marcy going to get a hot pot for them, and plugging it into BMO which is neat.  It’s PB”s turn and she just tries harmonics and it ends up sounding like a worse version of that song bill and ted play at the begniing of face the music.. and THAT probably woudlv’e worked better. 

At this point everyone falls apart with Marcy spitting on PB, PB walking off in a huff and jake leaving because it’s that part of the true hollywood music story. Also he’s shapeshifted into billy idol, which is awesome.  It’s then we get the second song of the episode.. and one every bit as good as the masterpiece above. 

Finn laments what happened, in song because of course, before admitting how he just wanted htem all together.. and wonders if their even his friends.. as the door glows and he finally realizes what opens it: The truth. This is where the genuine hint comes back together.. the genuine wasn’t in talent.. itw as in emotoinal honesty.  I really haven’t talked about Finn a bunch this review, mostly because he’s mostly just trying to help and be earnest.. but this scene beautifully ties that together showing that deep down, Finn is bothered by how dismisive the others can be of him sometimes and wonders if he’s a “Joke, your knight or your brother” That sometimes he wonders if they care. It’s both relatable as hell and really fits the character, showing PB’s sometimes dismissive attidue of him REALLY bothers him, and Jake and Marcy are guilty of the same at times. He genuinely admits though that through all this.. their his closest friends.. and it’s a really sweet song and really shows what finn is at his core through all his developments good and bad to come: An honest kid who just wants the best for people, and cares about those around him.. and gets those around him to open up as a result. It’s a freaking powerful sequence, and Jeremy Shada acts the hell out of it and the nimation is beauitufl. Good stuff.  The door finally opens and we find out the Door Lord just did all of this to get them to bond and work on their issues... which as I said is well intentioned.. but in a funny bit they whollop him anwyay because you know.. he did so by stealing from them and making them solve a musical riddle. Who does that? BMO gets his controller back, Jake gets his blankie and Finn gets his wad of hair with PB giving out an OH you like this is normal and FInn rexamining all of his life choices. Don’t worry bud, your about to make some considerably WORSE life choices that will make these look midly better!  We get one last bit of Bubbline tease as it turns out PB’s item.. is a t-shirt marcy get her, complete with blushing. Yet there was STILL  vitroicllically insane crowd who swore they weren’t gay because htey wante dto pair either of them with a 13 year old which .. agian no. Just no. No no no no. We also find out Marcy had nothing stolen she just wanted to hang out and we end on her chasing them.  Final Thoughts: As you can probably tell, this episode is a masterpiece and easily one of the series best, and not only that.. but it’s better than I remember. I THOUGHT this would be a quick review but the two hours it took to get this written and the more and more I found in the songs to talk about said otherwise. It’s easily the episode that put the show on the map, with holy jolly secrets being tied with it in this regardf or diffrent reasons, and the one that showed just how far it came. The music as I gushed is utterly fantastic and we’d get more.. then suddenly none once rebecca Sugar left because they coudln’t find anyone else apparently even though that makes no sense. Point is the episode is beautiuflly animated, deeply trenched in it’s characters, and even has some really funny bits like the runner about jake being the jerk in the band. IT’s great stuff and I highly recommend it even if you’ve seen it before. If you liked this there’s regular Loud House Coverage every weeeknd at some point, and regular ducktales coverage every monday if you’d like to follow to see that, and more reviews on my tabs and you can comission one for 5 bucks if your intrested of any episode of any show you want. Until we meet again, Go team venture. Play us out jodeci. 

[kylo-im-ren]

The Rise of the Fallen One & Reylo (excerpt)

Rey is not alone in the Dark!Rey scene.

This was first pointed out to me through this tweet from brehaorganas. Then @sillyrabbit36 did a lovely job of recoloring the footage to show it in greater detail in this post.

I went ahead and made some GIFs for visual aid.

In this shot (BOW DOWN TO YOUR QUEEN) it looks like there could be movement, or a figure before the screen pans over to Dark!Rey. That could also very well just be the way that the light and shadows move in the view of the camera.  The real evidence is in the following shot. The money shot.

(My ability to breathe? I don’t know her.)

I zoomed in for a better look, and I tried my best to brighten it without ruining the quality too much (fuzzy image below= proof I’m not a professional lol).

I’ve labled what I think it is that we are seeing. To me, in the bottom right it looks like dark/black clothing, maybe a cloak, or cape. Or maybe just dark pants. In the top right it looks like either a hand in dark, long sleeves, or a chin in a high turtleneck.  I’m leaning more towards it being a hand.

Now, let’s look at the movement of this mystery figure. It appears that whomever (or whatever) is there is backing away from Rey. And if we go with the hand theory, it looks like they are backing away with their hands up defensively. Below I’ve created an extremeley detailed and intricate artist rendition of what I believe happens here. I warn you, the artistic talent I posess has brought some to tears.

(As I was writing the final draft of this bit i came across this post by the amazing, ever talented @gwendy85 . The position of Ben and Rey in her art is so close to what I’m picturing! And a million times better than my stick people lol. Just wanted to give some quick promo to her. If you haven’t already, you guys should really check out her art and meta posts, you won’t be disappointed😊💜.)

So, who is this? Well, there are a few options. Let’s play one of my favorite games: The Process of Elimination.

Option 1: Palpatine Just the simple fact that the figure seems to be backing away from her tells me that it isn’t the Sheev man. If Rey does go dark, and this is real, and not a vision, I’m 99.9% sure that Palps will have something to do with it. So why would he be backing away from her? If anything, he’d be the one encouraging her. 

Option 2: Finn (my sweet boy) This is a more logical option, however, John is reported saying that he wasn’t there when Daisy wore her Dark!Rey fit. He said he was supposed to be there, but that was just for a visit, meaning his character was not invoved in the shooting of those scenes (I looked for the link for like 20 minutes and decided I’d rather get this out and edit the post later when I eventually find it.) Plus, the hand (or chin) doesn’t look like it’s been blessed with that melanin (teehee), so I’m thinking it’s pretty safe to assume not Finn. And without Finn being there, I don’t think any other resistance squad memeber would make sense. So I’m striking out Poe, Rose, or Jannah as options.

Option 3: Rey  Let me explain.This would fall in line with the theory that Dark!Rey is a vision that Rey has. (I go into further details about how this could go, and the pontential parallel between it and Lukes vision quest on Dagobah in the full meta.) This could be the moment where she is forced to literally face her inner demons. If this were the case though, the costume choice that makes the most sense, canonically and visually, would be for normal Rey to be in her normal clothes. Her pure white, flowing robes are a stark contrast to the dark figure we see backing away. 

“Maybe that’s just the shadows, it’s a dark room.”

That’s true. But if we go with the turtleneck or long sleeve idea, those are complete opposites to Rey’s v-neck and short sleeves. This makes me think that the mystery person is not Rey.

Option 4: An innocent It could be an innocent that she kills in her dark rage/possesion. Making this a scene to show how far gone she is. I highly HIGHLY doubt this option though.

Taking all of those out leaves me to believe that it can only be one person. One particular dark froce weilding, sad-boi, love-struck prince.

Option 5: Ben The clothes, if i’m picturing them correctly, match up perfectly with Ben’s attire at all times. Dark cloak/cape, maybe a black turtleneck (like we’ve seen in TFA), long dark sleeves. And, if this is Benny boy, what really intrigues me is that he is gloveless. The implications of that alone...

Sorry, I spaced out. I was fangirling.

ANnNywAy, let’s assume it is him. Now the question is:

Vision or Reality?

(I dive deeper into all of these theories in the full meta. I still can’t choose a side!)

While I still haven’t chosen a side (lol) at this point in time, I think I’ve narrowed my choices down to the Dark!Rey is real train or the Ben Vision Train.

If Dark!Rey is real, I feel that this could definitely be the moment where Ben goes to save her from Palpatine, and from herself. There have been several posts describing how this event could unfold.  If Dark!Rey is real, this could serve as a major catalyst for Bendemption. This tweet points out an amazing comparrison to this moment of Vader having a vision of Dark!Padme.

The most terrifying thing is seeing someone you love fall down the same dark path that you did, and having to watch them be consumed by it.

I think this feeling and reaction would be representitive of both real and vision Ben. If it’s real though, it could lead to a fight. The fight, however, would be completely onesided. He would refuse to strike her, talking to her the whole time, reasuring her of the people in her life that care for her, and that he cares for her. Telling her that she’s not alone anymore. She doesn’t have to do this, He knows this isn’t her. Pleading with her to come back to the light. To herself. To him.  He’d say he knows that there is still good in her, and that he believes in her. He tells her to use their bond to escape Palpatine’s control, or the firm hold of the Dark.

All of this sounding familiar? 

(I was so happy to see my fellow TFA Reylos were thinking the exact same thing I was with this.I love y’all. We all deserve a stiff drink and a foot rub 😭😂)

Now, if it’s a vision, I feel that the scene will be much shorter. I also believe that, again, if it is just a vision, It will be a reflection of what is already happening inside of Rey. She could actually go dark for awhile after this, just maybe not to the extent that we see in this scene. I don’t think that it is the same vision he saw in TLJ (although I definitely think that he saw something like this), I think this would be a new vision.

Something that caught my eye about the initial cut to Rey was the motion of the camera. 

The way that it swoops over to focus on her resembles someone whipping their head around in surprise.

You know what that reminds me of?

Rey even stumbles back after this. 

If vision is the way, I have a feeling it will be like the one Rey had in Maz’s castle in TFA when she touched the legacy saber. I actually think that this would be such a cool call back, and would be another amazing example of how these two characters mirror eachother. This vision could be brought on when he touches an object as well, or it could be in the form of a dream. Or it could be a vision brought on by Palpatine to tempt Ben. Or to scare him. Or-

Summary, there are so many ways that this can go. We have truly entered my favorite time over these past 4 years, The Hour of Speculation. And it’s the final hour! Everything wraps up after this...

 As much as that breaks my heart, I am so excited for the next few months. I can’t wait to ride this out with all of you, and to hear what amazing theories you freakin oracles come up with during the wait. Old and new Reylos, I LOVE YOU!

And may the force be with you always.💙❤️💜

And please share your own thoughts, I’d love to hear what you guys think!

@sushigirlali @jedisassafras @southsidestory @sanctuarytrin It’s not my full thoughts (not even close🤦🏽‍♀️😂), or a ficlet, but I promise all of those are coming soon! Hope you like my quick ramble, much love💙☺️

[morievna]

Strangler Fig and Given - Ritsuka

I hope that everybody who is reading it is okay. It is rather anxious what is happening now... Personally I am fine – I am healthy and lucky enough to work remotely from home. And marathoning Twoset violin vids xD

I have realized recently that I rarely wrote about Ritsuka outside chapter analysis. I like him, but his character arc after volume 2 is kind of stuck and sometimes he is only there as Mafuyu’s boyfriend. Hopefully, it is just slow build-up since current arc provided some opportunities to explore his character further. Actually now I am interested when it all will go and whether story will take some a bit dark turn. Well, Gusari likes drama so who knows ^^

What got me thinking more about him is that when I reread Strangler fig some time ago, I noticed something interesting:

This part from Ritsuka POV  (chapter 23) reminded me of Seiji POV from Strangler Fig:

Even though it is worded differently, it is rather similar way of thinking about who needs more somebody in relationship. As though characters Seiji and Ritsuka are very different, both stories are about struggling with repressed feelings and relationships entwined with dependency, jealousy and possessiveness.

But before going deeper, there is another interesting thing – how perfectly fits symbolism of titular strangler fig with all of it.

Strangler fig was named for their pattern of growth upon host trees, which often results in the host’s death. Beginning life as a sticky seed left on a high tree branch by an animal, the young strangler lives on the tree’s surface. As it grows, long roots develop and descend eventually reaching the ground and entering the soil. Several roots usually do this, and they become grafted together, enclosing their host’s trunk in a strangling latticework, ultimately creating a nearly complete sheath around the trunk.

Although a strangler fig often smothers and outcompetes its host, there is some evidence that trees encased in strangler figs are more likely to survive tropical cyclones, suggesting that the relationship can be somewhat mutualistic.

[source]

Note here that whether we are thinking about the positive or negative, the idea is to use the symbolism for self-introspection and personal growth, so even if we are looking at the negative aspects, it helps to approach this symbolism with the intention of achieving transcendence. Intuitively, it is not difficult to see that dependency and possessiveness emerges as a theme in the strangling fig story. Are we forming a dependency on a person that is ‘strangling’ him or her? Are we using a person as a clutch for personal gain? Are we possessive in our personal relationships?

[source]

I found it pretty fascinating – thanks Kizu Natsuki for opportunity to learn some random tree facts xD

Okay, I am going to compare Ritsuka and Seiji - there will be some spoilers for Strangler Fig, but more just about character than plot. At the end there will be some speculation where I think story may go.

At starting point both of their relationship with respective love interest are quite similar – they both see themselves are protector of his beloved one. Seiji regarded Akira as crybaby and Ritsuka thought of Mafuyu as adopted stray dog. That’s why both of them was acting as they are more dependable one, who has to look after another. Of course I don’t mean it as something bad, I think just some people feel better when they are in charge actively and taking care of others as having some control of situation and not being helpless.

As story progresses relationships changes as well – in SF it is more direct like the quote I attached at the begining, where Seiji realized that relationship is not so simple and he needs Akira more than he thought previously. In Given it is shown more gradually with Ritsuka realizing Mafuyu’s influence on his music and what it really means. Over time Ritsuka is no longer teaching Mafuyu, but realized that his own music changed and that he have feelings for him – we see him struggling accepting sexual orientation. But after advice and support of others he is able to confess his feelings before live performance, which ultimately leads to him and Mafuyu getting together.

The same struggle has Seiji – as he tried to suppress his feelings while dating multiple girls at the same time. It was also related with family expectation – being heir to rich family, which owns big company and he was strained by it. We see much later in the story how much his father’s acceptance of his sexuality puts him at peace and allowed him to move forward.

But before that happened – there was a domino effect that led to tension and later separation between him and Akira. The factors were as mentioned earlier –  trying to suppress his love as well as  jealousy and possessiveness over Akira. Besides, he was unsure what Akira was thinking and feeling of him and that’s why later seeing Akira’s jealousy made big impression on him.  

In Given there are similar motives as well, jealousy is often brought up in Ritsuka’s arc as he is struggling with his feelings for Mafuyu. So let’s take closer look.

In chapter 18 there was Ritsuka’s outbreak about his jealousy of spending so much time with Akihiko. I found it interesting especially that he looks up to Akihiko a lot – whatever is it wanting to be muscular like him or looking for advice. All of it looks to me as he is insecure and afraid that Mafuyu will chose somebody better than him (in his mind).

It maybe is a stretch, but it is interesting how he commented to not wanting to be feminine while Akihiko appears to be more hmm traditionally masculine at first glance. But I am not sure that Gusari intended Given as gender commentary, so I won’t look deeper into this since it is a bit tricky topic. But still you can see that Ritsuka has a set of expectation about what he wants himself to be.

His insecurities showed back again in chapter 23 – he still is unsure what Mafuyu thinks of him and what wants out of their relationship. All makes him more trying to control and suppress his desires. In addition, he is afraid that he will hurt Mafuyu. Just like in Strangler Fig – Seiji is pretty much fearful too that his feelings will consume and destroy Akira. Both of them are quite unsure how to express their love and affection and fear that it will turn badly.

When Mafuyu mentioned that there was similar clock in Yuki’s home, Ritsuka’s reaction is quite telling too. It is interesting that he perceived it as some sort of test. To me it feels like he want to be worthy of replacing Yuki in Mafuyu’s life – like wanting to not be worse than him and setting expectation which he thinks that has to fulfill. It is interesting how much jealousy and insecurity are combined together.

In addition, this theme reappears in mix_3

It is quite peculiar how much is not believing that Yuki was that good in music – as it was easier for him if it was otherwise. It lines up with text on cover of this chapter – Ritsuka wanting to forget that Yuki possesed many of Mafuyu’s firsts. Again, insecurity.

As mentioned earlier – seeing Akira being jealous gave Seiji clue about he is thinking about him. I think it is possible that we see something like that in Given too.

Way back in chapter 5 there was jealous Mafuyu, but back then he couldn’t talk about his feelings. Although a lot changed since then, but still he has some problems with that (which is totally understandable) and his character development is not over after all. I think it would be good to see him exploring and expressing more negative emotions since it is important to acknowledge them too. So I think it will be something another situation with in the future and he will express and handle it better. Personally I think it would be interesting if it would be similar to mentioned case with Ritsuka and Akihiko – feeling jealous over person he looks up to like for instance Ugetsu.

On the side note, I will be surprised if there is none of interaction between Ugetsu and Ritsuka in the future. Or rather it would be wasted potential. To be honest I considered it a bit weird that Ritsuka was called a prodigy around volume 3. I would say he always appeared to be quite skilled and very hard-working since he was young, but being prodigy is sort of different thing. It would make more sense to me if it was done on purpose that he and Ugetsu would foil each other at some point and have some sort of dynamic like Oikawa and Kageyama from Hq. Besides, it would be interesting to see Ritsuka questioning his own talent and reasons to play music.

So where it all leads? *ominous voice*

Okay, so I will run wild with speculation.

As I mentioned several times before I think that Mafuyu will sing Yuki’s song and perform together with Ritsuka and Hiiragi and Shizu. My main reason behind is that it would be good closure for the story, tying past and future together into something new. But I am afraid that lots of drama will lead to that.

I think that current situation will escalate – Ritsuka will be more and more engaged in playing with Hiiragi’s band instead of Given. As a way to prove himself to be not worse than Yuki he will keep working hard and focusing more on music than anything else. Which of course will bring Mafuyu anxiety since it will remind of his past and will make him worry that it will repeat.

I think there will be some argument between Ritsuka and Mafuyu and it will too overlap with some Akihiko-Haruki drama (since Akihiko is trying to balance violin and drums I am expecting some collision like violin contest and Given performance happening in the same time. And you know these instruments have double meaning xD), which all of it will cause that they will disband or simply stop playing together for a while depending how much angst Gusari wants.

I think that Yayoi will try to make up for her mistake and nudge Ritsuka into talking with Mafuyu. Then they will finally talk about his past with Yuki (I mean it has to happen at some point) and make it up. Then I think there will be proposition for Mafuyu to play with them and sing Yuki’s song.

After all music is foundation for Given, but still main theme is love story. So I believe it is not about small band becoming successful, but rather showing Mafuyu’s journey – how he healed from past trauma and regained back love (Ritsuka) and community (Hiiragi and Shizu) as well as reconcile at spiritual level with Yuki by playing his song. This is how end of his arc would felt satisfactory to me, but we will see what Gusari is planning. Of course, I don’t expect to be right about everything, it is more that these are themes I expect to appear in story.

As always thanks for reading.

[kaesm21]

Press It Series 2 | Sexuality

Young love isn’t ever easy… there are moments of insecurity, sheer happiness, and absolute heartache. Lee Taemin would know.

Pairing: 2min Genre: romance, drama, angst, smut Author: ExoEl88 (me) Status: In-progress (2/12 chapters posted)

part 1 | Drip Drop  *also on asianfanfics*

Part II - Sexuality

"Old fantasies, faith, even dreams will kneel before it, sexuality."

(x)

Taemin’s small fingers shake slightly as he attempts to unlock the door, fumbling thanks to a certain someone’s lips kissing along the back of his neck. Strong, muscular arms are firmly holding him in place, possesing him tightly, seemingly uncaring as to whether or not anyone could see them. It would be very clear to any passerby what they were up to. But thankfully, the door opens before they're caught. They hurriedly stumble inside, Minho's hands sneaking up from his waist to beneath the hem of his shirt instantly.

A gasp fills the silence of the room as tanned fingers continue to slide up his chest and torso, thumbing over a sensitive bud in the process. Sometimes Taemin curses his sensitivity because his hyung’s already got him so worked up, this is just so much for his body to take. “Fuck, Minho-” he moans, arching back into his embrace as the elder takes the nipple between fingers and pinches it. The blonde can practically feel Minho’s smirk on his skin as the brunette kisses the juncture of his neck and shoulder.

“Yes, Tae?” he whispers huskily, his fingers still clamped around the bud, gently tugging it.

The blonde’s whole body reacts to the teasing and he can feel his cheeks heating up at the way he reacts, his cock leaking precum into his way too tight jeans. “God, don’t be a tease-” he groans, his nerves already on fire wherever Minho touches him. The change between tender and gentle to playful and rough has his head spinning with desire. His breathing is heavy and ragged as he tries to face his crush, halted by those strong hands falling back to his waist, firmly keeping him in place.

“I’m eager, too, but I want to take my time,” the brunette says with a playful tone, pulling the blonde’s hips back against his, and shit, Taemin can feel the hard bulge rubbing against the curve of his ass. He squirms in his hyung’s hold, already so turned on and frustrated from the pent up lust he's carried for years. He wants that cock deep inside of him, he wants to kiss those smooth thin lips, to hear his moans as he comes, and he wants to do all of that now. Though he can't deny that a part of him relishes the idea of more foreplay because he loves the way Minho plays with him, it’s thrilling and a huge turn on.  

Another moan falls from his slightly parted lips as a hand slides over the front of his jeans, cupping the younger’s clothed erection teasingly. “Ahh, hyung-” he whines as his hips automatically buck into the welcoming hand. The blissful friction sends his head rolling back onto the brunette's shoulder, gazing at him with half lidded eyes. It’s been quite a while since Taemin bottomed, and he forgot how much he enjoyed it.

Something tells him that he’d enjoy whatever Minho did no matter what, though.

“God, you’re so tempting, Lee Taemin,” the taller says, guiding them towards the bedroom with haste. “I’ve wanted to do this for so long.” He turns the younger around in his hold, cupping his neck before claiming his lips, hands sliding upwards to tangle in the blonde locks as their tongues clash, each fighting for dominance in the kiss. After a moment, the younger caves, giving him total access. The kiss turns languid under Minho's control, and his heart flutters in his chest at the slow, deliberate, romantic take.

The blonde responds well, finally letting his own hands wander over his hyung’s toned abdomen, feeling the muscles flex through the cotton fabric of his shirt. In a moment, the backs of his knees collide with the mattress, toppling them over with Minho hovering over Taemin, bracing one arm against the bed to refrain from putting all of his weight on him.

This doesn’t interrupt them for long, though. Taemin lets his hands dip below the fabric as he reconnects their lips, tilting his head to the other side, pleased how easily Minho lets him lead the kiss this time, exploring his mouth with a slick tongue, conveying his own experience. It’s not long before they break apart, hastily ridding the other of their shirt.

Once those chocolate abs are revealed to the younger's eyes yet again, he can’t help but let his hands feel them greedily, moaning softly at the sensation against his palm; the smooth skin, the taut muscles, the way each of them flex as he moves. He’s always wondered what they felt like, and now that he knows, he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to get his hands off of them. “Fuck, you’re so sexy, Min,” he whines, looking up into those sultry brown eyes, shivering slightly at the lustful expression he wears.

“I’m not the only one,” his hyung replies in a low voice, hands running down the younger’s bare torso, looking down at the toned abdominal muscles with a hungry gaze. “You’ve definitely been working out-” He bends down, kissing the younger’s creamy collarbone while his hands work on the buttons and zipper of his skinny jeans.

For the umpteenth time that night, his face heats up at the compliment and he lets his eyes fall closed, completely absorbed by the way those warm, slick lips feel against his flushed skin. Every little kiss sets his body ablaze and fuels his growing arousal more and more. A whimper falls from his lips when he feels teeth gently grazing over one of his nipples, and he automatically wraps his arms to pull his hyung closer, desiring more of his talented teasing.

“Mmm, you’re so sensitive,” Minho murmurs into his chest before circling his tongue around the bud and blowing on it.

The younger lets out a muffled mewl, his hands digging into the flesh of Minho’s still sweaty back at the intensity of the action, and his mind melts at the thought of those lips somewhere else. He’s pulled from his imagination as his cock is freed from the confines of both his underwear and jeans in one swift action. The cool air against his heated flesh causes him to shudder slightly.

“Hyung, please,” he pants out, precum leaking from the tip of his swollen erection. His eyes meet Minho's, the dark orbs acting like a mirror of Taemin's own desires as he gazes into them, pleading with looks alone.

“Please what?” the elder asks, a seductive smirk forming on those oh-so-kissable lips of his. He brings his hand to the center of the blonde’s chest, teasingly running his fingers down the skin with a feather light touch before hovering just over his cock. As badly as Taemin would like to keep quiet, he can't help but let out a frustrated groan, needing so much more.

“Fuck me,” he moans, grabbing his hyung’s hand and placing it directly onto his throbbing length, face flushed in embarrassment at his desperate and needy action. Relief floods his system, though, as fingers wrap around his cock, giving him one long pump down to the base before dragging upwards, circling over the tip and smearing the precum collecting over the slit, earning another moan from the younger.

“As you wish, Tae,” the taller replies playfully, giving him a few more leisurely strokes before sliding both of his hands over the sensitive flesh of his inner thighs before guiding his legs apart and exposing his already twitching hole.

Nerves suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks as he lays beneath Minho, heart pounding in his chest. This isn’t just a dream or a fantasy anymore, this is real. He’d always seen his hyung as someone untouchable, someone out of his league, and yet here they are, limbs tangled, tongues dancing, both of them naked and needy, moaning one another’s name.

It’s better than anything his mind conjured up because it’s real.

Taemin’s swept up in emotion as Minho strips off his own jeans and leans over him to grab the lube from the nightstand. The toned chest before him proves to be too tempting to resist, so he presses a gentle kiss to the exposed skin, wanting to take this slow despite how badly he aches for his touch. He wants this moment to be soft and sweet because if this is the only time, he wants it to be something worth remembering.

The shift from steamy to sensual isn’t only on Taemin’s part.  The focus no longer seems to be on lust, but rather something more genuine that sort of scares him in the best way possible. Minho’s kissing and touching him everywhere as if he is some sort of treasure or something to be cherished. It does weird things to his heart, but he ignores that and focuses on returning the sentiment, sliding over whatever flesh his hands can find with a gentle but intentional touch, wanting to make him feel just as good as the blonde does.

“You’re so beautiful, Tae,” the elder groans, looking over the younger’s body with such a passionate gaze, he feels shy beneath him, heart fluttering as fast as a hummingbird’s. Those words and that gaze are things he never expected to hear or see, so he responds in the only way that he can without baring his soul.

“Mmm… Minho, I want you,” he murmurs, wrapping his legs around his waist to convey his desire. He pulls him closer, drawing him in before kissing him, enjoying how smooth the skin of his hyung's toned back is. “Please,” he pants out over those swollen pink lips, gazing up at him with a look of longing.

“With pleasure,” Minho breathes back, slicking his fingers with lube and tenderly prodding his tight entrance, circling the flesh with care. “Relax, baby, I’ve got you.” A generous amount is applied to the tensed muscles, meticulously rubbed in by the elder.

The sweet words and pet name cause that fluttering sensation in his chest and stomach again, and his already flushed face goes a shade darker. Taemin takes a few deep breaths, calming his nerves a bit before relaxing, focusing on the pleasure he knows will come instead of the possible meaning behind Minho's actions. It doesn’t take the elder to add another finger, pushing them in and twisting before pulling out. A pleased sigh escapes his parted lips with every deeper thrust, the discomfort fading into building bliss. In a few more moments of Minho’s experimental prodding, the blonde’s body goes rigid as he finds the bundle of nerves buried deep inside his body.

He can’t help but moan at the sensation, shuddering from the aftershocks of the thrust before it’s back harder than the last time. His hyung is very precise now that he’s found what he was looking for, and Taemin begins to meet them and push himself harder into those fingers, barely even noticing when a third is added. “Minho, ahh, that feels so good-” The words come out breathless before smooth lips find his.  

The combination of kissing the brunette while being finger-fucked begins to be too much, and he arches his back slightly, his cock throbbing in neglect. He abruptly pulls back, creating a thin string of saliva between them. “I’m al-already close-” Taemin manages, throwing his head back into pillow, bringing a hand to cover his cries, but the thrusts don’t stop. As a matter of fact, Minho picks up the speed, going harder with confidence. The promise of climax suddenly dances across all of his nerves, and his stomach is boiling with the building release.

Seconds away from coming hard, the fingers disappear and his eyes (that he didn’t even notice had fallen closed) fly open in frustration from the edging. “God, Minho,” he whimpers, squirming as the pleasure from the near-high calms. “I was so close.”

“Don't worry, I promise this will feel even better.” The teasing tone is back, as well as that smirk that makes him weak- especially when those normally slim lips are plump and swollen from kissing so much. The blonde is entranced by the way Minho’s face contorts to one of pleasure as he lubes up his cock before pressing the tip past the tight muscles. Little beads of sweat drip down the brunette’s forehead and that’s the last thing Taemin sees before his eyes screw shut, lost in the heat of friction.

Moans escape the younger’s lips with every breath that leaves him as he adjusts to the feeling of slowly being filled after so long. “Ah, fuck, you’re so big,” he gasps and groans, peeling his eyes open to see Minho’s handsome features making the most sinful expression he’s ever seen; eyes half lidded, pupils blown, veins protruding from the angle of his neck.

“You’re so tight,” the elder moans, pushing himself in all the way. Upon hearing those words, the blonde intentionally squeezes his walls around him in response, loving the sounds Minho makes. “Taemin,” he grunts, taking a deep breath.

The younger loves seeing how desperate he is, clenching his hips like they’re his lifeline. He knows that they’ll bruise later but it feels so good that he can’t utter words of complaint... quite the contrary, actually. “God, move,” the smaller pleads, hand brushing his locks back before falling to the sheets, fisting them as Minho’s cock drags out slowly, sending shocks of pleasure up his spine. He barely has the chance to recover from it before he’s pounded back into. He almost feels like a virgin again, taking in every sensation and trying his hardest to keep quiet to not embarrass himself further.

It's so hard to not moan like a whore when Minho's cock is so thick and veiny, pushing him closer to euphoria everytime he pulls out and plunges back inside. His knuckles, pale from clenching the sheets so tightly, crack slightly as he lets go in order to cover his mouth. Muffled cries of pleasure mix with his hyung's as he continues to fuck him senseless.

“I want to hear you,” the taller demands breathlessly, lifting one of the younger's slim, creamy legs and throwing it over his shoulder, pounding into him with renewed and relentless force. “I want you to scream my name.”

“Oh, fuck,” Taemin cries automatically, body trembling at how deep the thrusts now are in the new angle, mind spinning and melting as the knot in his stomach coils. His resolve to stay quiet shatters as his prostate is abused in the most intimate way. His moans and whines are let free, spilling from his lips endlessly. “Minho, I’m almost-”

“S-shit, Tae,” the brunette pants out. “You feel so good.” He slams his hips harder into the smaller, adjusting his leg slightly wider to go just the slightest bit deeper.

The response is immediate; Taemin's vision goes completely white and static-y as his sweet spot is hit dead on with such force his knees would give out if he was standing. His body tingles with the jolt of pleasure, curling his toes at the intensity as he shakes, getting closer and closer to orgasm.

Their wanton and lewd noises mix with the sound of skin slapping against skin, and the elder fucks him like a rabbit, pounding into the blonde's prostate with everything he’s got. Taemin shudders and mewls as pleasure overrides every single one of his senses. A strangled cry tears through his throat when fingers still slick with lube wrap around his throbbing length, pumping in tandem with the thrusts and the knot inside his stomach burns with his approaching climax. It's too much for him to take, it feels so good.

“Minho,” he cries out, hands flying back up to his hyung’s muscular frame, blunt nails digging into his skin, desperate for something to cling to, relishing the sounds it elicits from the elder. In just a matter of seconds, Taemin is arching his back and moaning louder than he ever has before. He can’t take it for another second, Minho’s cock is too deep and hitting him in just the right ways. With those slick fingers wrapped so tightly around his throbbing member, he's completely absorbed by the pleasure and everything inside him snaps. He's thrown over the edge, his whole body jerking erratically as he comes harder than he has in years, spasming and squirming in the euphoria of orgasm.

Tears prick his eyes as he’s pushed into prolonged bliss as his hyung chases his own climax, groaning into the shell of the blonde’s ear. Taemin clenches his tight walls around him with intent, milking his cock for everything it’s worth. The taller male’s hips stutter as he finally releases his load into the younger, kissing and biting and sucking along his neck, marking him as his while he chases the last of his pleasure.

They collapse against the bed, Minho carefully pulling out and landing off to the side, clearly just as spent as the younger as he tries to collect his breathing. Taemin allows his eyes to slip back closed, his body humming with the aftermath still as he comes down from the high. He feels a bit empty without Minho inside him, but he also feels really good and content.

This is without a doubt the best sex he’s ever had. Only one of his past boyfriends comes close, and it’s been ages since Taemin has slept with Jongin. He doesn’t even want to think about him while in bed with Minho, so he forces his eyes open to meet the gaze of his ultimate crush, heart melting at the sight of the brunette’s tousled hair and content expression.

“Wow,” the blonde says, voice hoarse from moaning too much. “That was…” His mind is sort of mush still, and he’s thankful Minho picks up where he leaves off.

“Amazing,” the elder states, rolling onto his side to get a better look at the blonde. “You’re incredibly sexy, Taemin.” Minho pulls him into an embrace, hands caressing his sides soothingly, almost apologetically. They hover over his hipbones before gently grazing them and sliding to his lower back to massage the abused flesh.

“Ah, look who’s talking,” the blonde murmurs, flashing him a genuine smile. His heart swells in his chest with every tender touch, as if they are actually lovers and not just friends who hooked up. His cheeks warm up at the cheesy thought, and he hides his face in Minho’s chest, inhaling his musky scent and finds it very comforting as the nerves set back in.

They don’t really speak after that, they just continue to hold one another. It’s far too early to go to sleep, and even if it was late enough, Taemin thinks he’d rather take in every detail of the moment. His heart beats inside his chest ever so slightly harder than usual as he looks over Minho’s angelic blissed-out expression and feels his affectionate touch on his body before moving closer, craving the warmth and the closeness.

After a few moments, those gentle hands make their way to Taemin’s hair, stroking it softly. The touch is so sweet that he finds his eyes drooping, and he hums quietly in acknowledgement before he gets sleepy and forgets. He’s suddenly urged to say something to speak up about his feelings. There’s no denying it now, it’s so much more than a simple crush. But it’s far too soon to put a label to what he’s feeling, and the ‘L’ word isn’t something to confess post-sex... let alone on their first time together.

“Minho,” he murmurs quietly against the smooth skin, brushing it affectionately with his lips.

“Yes?” the brunette leans back slightly, getting a better look at the blonde in his arms as he plays with the soft locks of hair.

“Can we… um…” His heart hammers against his ribcage as he tries to phrase his question, suddenly insecure as his confusion from earlier begins to sink in. “… do this again?” The blonde tilts his chin up to be brave and look him in the eyes, but gets skittish as soon as he meets those chocolate coloured orbs, so he looks away again. All of his questions from before resurface in his thoughts, raising his anxiety with each passing second...

Until he feels soft lips against his cheek. He blinks in surprise and his gaze flickers back to his hyung. “Of course we can. Taemin, will you be my boyfriend?” The brunette asks, holding his gaze with a longing that shakes him to his core.

This is really real. This isn’t a dream or a fantasy. Somehow, Minho wants him the way Taemin’s wanted him for years. His heart constricts in both nervousness and excitement as he smiles and nods shyly, unable to trust his voice quite yet. He brings their lips together in a chaste kiss, pulling away with a quiet “I’d love that.”

“Me too,” the elder murmurs, pulling him into a tight hug. “I’ve wanted this for so long, you have no idea… I was just scared. I am scared.” His voice grows even softer as he finishes what he has to say, and Taemin only hugs him tighter in response.

“What is it you’re afraid of?” Taemin asks quietly, reassuringly rubbing his back. Comforting someone is a bit new to him, but he's more than willing to try.

“Do you really… want to know?” The tone of voice really doesn't match Minho, the strong and silent type. He doesn't think he's ever seen the brunette like this before.

“I do… you have nothing to be scared of, hyung,” the blonde whispers, bumping his cheek with his nose in attempt to lighten the mood. “I want to help you see that.”

“I’m scared of being… gay.” The last word is barely audible, and it’s only due to the proximity that Taemin can hear it.  For a moment, the blonde is in complete shock. Just this morning, he believed him to be straight. To him, even imagining his crush to be bisexual was a bit of a stretch, but… being gay? It’s surprising.

Minho stiffens against him, likely sensing his shock. The blonde quickly gives him another squeeze, chastising himself internally for his reaction. “It’s okay, Min. You’re not any different. You’re still the same caring hyung you’ve always been. Nobody needs to know until you’re ready… even then, it’s not everyone’s business anyway.” He’s a bit surprised at how easily his words flow, normally deep topics like this aren’t his strong suit. But Taemin has been comfortable with his own sexuality for a long time now, so perhaps it isn’t so surprising. “Just take your time, I’m here for you.”

“You’re really sweet, Taeminnie,” his hyung says, pulling back with a sheepish expression. “I’ve not… come to terms with it completely yet. Are you okay with keeping our relationship a secret for now?”

It’s strange for him to see how nervous and shy his hyung is, and suddenly he’s swept up in the urge to protect him. Minho’s never once been vulnerable like this to him before, and it does those weird things to his heart again... knowing his hyung trusts him so much to let down his guard touches him in a way nobody else has. “Don’t worry, that’s fine with me,” he replies, leaning in to press a peck to the taller man’s cheek. “Take as much time as you need, there’s no rush.”

The blonde’s lips are captured by the brunette’s once more, and the kiss leads to wandering hands and entangled limbs for the second time that evening.

[tayegi]

Thank you so much for another great chapter of Equilibrium! 💕 You are my favourite fanfic writer, you have real talent and I'm glad you haven't given up on us being inpatient readers 😊 Thank you for the hard work, I'm looking forward to read your future writings, no matter how long it will take you to post anything since I know you're busy and that inspiration or motivation to write does not come around every day. Have a nice day~ 😘💕

myangelmyhope said:*slow clap* *standing ovation* *cries in diferrent languages* Equilibrium p12 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏😥😥😥😥😥 THANK YOU.

Anonymous said:Wowowow equilibrium ch. 12 is littttt

seolhana said:Equilibrium frustrates me so so much, but i also can't stop reading it. All of them are so fucked up i can't even- good job, author, you made me feel some kind of way. i though fanfics are supposed to make you feel happy and stuff but there's more than that. you have a talent miss. i still cry over the fact that jungkook is such a possesive lil shit and the whole love triangle thingy is fucked up. i still hope for a happy ending though. good job, again, you're like- woah. (｡’▽’｡)♡

Anonymous said:I hate the character of jungkook in this story. He just played with jimin's feeling cause he like the oc. He didnt have any romantic feelings yet he accepted him in a relationship.

Anonymous said:So.. Equilibrium.. so when i read the line where JK was looking in the trashcan i facepalmed and legit screamed out "YOU'RE DEAD OMG YOU'RE DEAD JK IS GOING TO EXPLODE U CHANGED THE SHEETS BUT DIDN'T THROW THE TRASH OUT UR DEAD OMG NO". and my mom was drinking juice and lets just say she took a bath for the second time today 😭 The entire series is putting me on edge like Is it love? Attraction? Obsession? No one knows. So im excited for more. Thank u for giving us quality fics. Love u 4ever.

Anonymous said:So I read chapter 12, and honestly I really hope that they break up fast. Like shit, I literally felt how scared the female character was and that almost made me cry when I saw how it literally affected how she acted around jimin. No but seriously, about the scene when she woke up with jimin, she almost let it out, like she just wanted tell him because she loves him BUT THAT DUDE JUST WANTED TO FUCK HER LIKE!? This relationship is psychologically damaging for all of them and I just 😩

Anonymous said:i was rereading equilbrium again and all i could think of was that how much i wanted to jump into the story, grap her and hug her, slap jimin and jungkook in the face so hard their cheeks become paralyzed and then take her the hell out of that relationship. but i know she can save herself i just hope she does it sooner

Anonymous said:please tell me OC from Equal will come to her senses, leaves, becomes a strong independent woman, and enjoys unlimited amounts of hot cheetos as she rides away on a majestic unicorn or some shit... i want her to be okay 😞 dammit lu, you got me so invested!! you amaze me every time you write!! 🖤

Anonymous said:Anon here who had only just read the Prologue a day ago and has now caught up on all 12 parts lol. I actually think your prologue gave a pretty good idea for the rest of the parts. I could already feel that struggle, that disinterest of Jimin and the overinterest of Jungkook, that's the best way i can summarize it lol. I'm very interested to see how you'll end this and I feel like whatever you think of will be 1000x better than how i think it could end!

Anonymous said:I actually said the same thing that the previous anon said about the condom. I literally shouted imbécile!

Anonymous said:I hope jimin sorts his self out and him and y/n end up together.. she seems happy with jimin hope he realises what's happening and stops it . Can't wait for the next chapter 💜

Anonymous said:It's been talked before how all three of them are guilty and i agree, but after this chapter it doesnt look like just some seriously angsty fic but a really fucked up and scary situation that CAN happen, jungkook is disgusting for being so possessive, jimin is is disgusting for being so sly and oc is disgusting for contributing to this madness to continue (at least imo)

ahhhhhh i love how thoughtful and considerate all your comments are!!! i unfortunately do not have the time to answer all of your lovely messages, but please know that I read every single one of them multiple times and I deeply appreciate all of them. I LOVE YOU

[sookashira]

Tagged by Mr Tinkles @pureren and again, I will break the rules not tagging anyone or writing new questions because I’m this evil lmao fight me.

Disclaimer: Whenever I see Tessa tags me in this things I'm like "yay, another tag game by Tessa" and then I read her answers and I always laugh because her answers are big and interesting to read and then I write my dumb short answers with "lol" and "xD" and "hahaha" and that's all xd

1. What kind of highschooler are/were you? I was... the girl who everybody liked because "too pure and nice for this world". I remember once a classmate told me I was the only "lady" in the class and they also chose me as best classmate lol I was like "wtf, I don't talk to anyone but you still choose me, thanks thanks but I don't deserve it because I didn't do anything".

And most of my friends was from another class and they know I'm quiet and "cute" until I have confidence and trust in people and I'm literally the chibi who wants to fight everybody when they call me chibi. ¿? I talk a lot... and I'm super dramatic ahahaha. I was the Ice Drama Queen before Elsa, excuse me.

2. What’s your favourite poem or quote? A line that stuck with you? I have a lot. I'm always using quotes from The Simpsons or Disney movies and basically my sister is the only one who gets it and complete the dialogues if there are dialogues lol

I'm not good at remembering poems so... And I'm not sure if I have a favorite line, because I like too many. But I'll say Annie's "I just want the weak, who do get swept along with the flow, be considered human too" is one of my favorites because I felt it. I consider myself weak too, in the way I interpretate that quote lol And now is in my sidebar, yes.

3. What’s a mundane special talent you have? (Small stuff like being able to make dragon origamis or being good at rhythm games idk) I'm really good at not make any sound when I walk so basically my mom always jumps scared because she "didn't see me coming" or she "didn't feel me / my presence" or whatever you call it. Hours ago she scold me because she saw a reflection in the mirror and when she turned out I was there staring at her lol

4. What would you describe your aesthetic as? Snowy things lol Winter, snow, snowflakes, snowdrops, ice, colors related to this things, etc. I told you, I'm obsessed with them ahaha That's why my friends calls me "The Ice Queen" lol Not because I'm a person with cold heart. (Basically, I always like characters related to ice or crystals so Annie got a point there lmao). I could marry Shirayuki Mizore if I can but I love too many characters and I can't pick only one plus they are fictional *sobs* (Insert another reason of why I didn't watch YOI: because everybody was talking about it and I was jealous because I saw a lot of things related to ice and blue-ish things and I was like NO NO THAT THINGS ARE MINE!!!! *dramatic Tamaki pose*) Hello, I'm super jealous.

5. What do you think are the most important traits a person can have? Kindness. I'm not really good at picking people traits because I know a lot of people with different traits even ones I say like "I don't like it" but I like them anyways lol I'm too weak. I easily love people even if I have a hard time trusting in them x'D

6. What are your favourite scents? Ehh... Vanilla, when you turn off a candle, Colognes for babies lol I actually love the smell of babies and kids ;u; I love kids. I suck at remember the things I like when people asks me the things I like >:c

7. What hobbies or extracurricular activities have you participated in in your life? Any you were particularly good at? When I was young (I'm old already) I tried ballet ¿? I always liked to dance and do presentations in school's aniversaries lol Once for the english class I had to sing Hakuna Matata with two friends and I was Simba. Doesn't have too many lines in that song but my evil friend made me say some random bugs names or things that rythms with Hakuna Matata. The teacher liked it a lot and she MADE US DO THE DAMN PRESENTATION IN FRONT OF OTHER RANDOM CLASSES AND I REMEMBER MY COUSIN TRYING TO HIDE HIMSELF WHEN I WAS IN HIS CLASS AHAHAHAHA.

8. What “otp things” make you weak in the knees and smile like a fool at your phone while everyone is throwing you concerned looks from the other side of the bus? First... Everyone is always looking at me like that because I'm always saying and doing dumb things. Not so long ago an anon told me I'm "a boob" and I didn't understand it so I had to google it and I laughed because.. yes. I'm super clumsy and dumb, like.. remember I come from the past, aka january 2017.

OTP things... I don't really call OTP to ships that aren't canon lol My first ship was Usagi with Seiya from Sailor Moon x'D I never liked Mamoru for her and I didn't understand Seiya was actually a girl when I was a child but whatever xd my first ship was a female x female lol And I really love when Seiya teases her calling her Odango... so let's start with a cute nickname. Half.. "I'm being annoying calling you like this" half "but I like it for you".

I also like when person A use person B's appareance for jokes lol //I actually enjoy when people tease me for being short lol but shhhht!//

"Remember when you said -insert what person A said trying to imitate voice and expression'".

When one of them is kinda possesive lol "You are mine". I like jealous people, I don't know if this is good.

If one in the ship is shy or tsundere...

I'm trying to remember some ships I like that aren't anime ones lol Agh, I'm so bad at explaining myself and you make me do it in english... *sobs*

9. How would your otp confess and kiss? (*hiding the notepad* this is absolutely theoretical and definitely not stored for further use….) You are stealing ideas and I AM THE ILLEGAL ONE. DISHONOR. DISHONOR ON YOU AND DISHONOR IN YOUR COW.

I don't know why kdramas came to my head with this question but I really hATE how they make the kiss scenes last like.. 10 minutes and from all the possible angles e_e

But I'm a trash for this kisses where is one of them who just... do it and then both are like "MAAAAAHHHH?????!!!" and random reactions while both are red. If they are dramatic, I'd love it more. Like WTF YOU JUST DID??! *hits the other with a bag, book or whatever it has in the hand or close*

The first kiss where they are like staring at each other and kissing again at the next second without anything more are boring lol

10. What aus based on real movies or shows are your favourites? (like disney aus, atla aus, mr and mrs smith aus, etc.) I love Disney AUs because I love Disney but the character must really fit for me to like it lol I also like reencarnation AUs beCAUSE I CRY I MEAN, I REMEMBER THE KDRAMA 'GU FAMILY BOOK' AND I START TO CRY BECAUSE AOKSNHFIDUHUAGDS.

I also like a lot this... when the characters change bodies so basically they have to live in each other and is super funny to see lol //Insert the kdrama Secret Garden. It sounds like I've seen a lot of them but actually not lol//

I'm a trash for the AU where there's a girl hiding her genre and acts as a boy lol MULAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN AND Ouran are my faves, of course.

High School AUs too lol they are like.. too common but I love them. (College ones are meh, tho)

I also like musical AUs but basically they end being like.. Disney AUs because too many songs lol

I don't remember more? I'll read the answers of the other people you tagged later lol I'm super picky but actually basic and with no experience reading fanfics because I'm too lazy to read things that are too long.

11. What’s best: Sleeping in freshly washed bed sheets or eating warm bread thats right out of the oven? Ehhhh... I'll pick sleeping in freshly washed bed sheets because I never make/do my bed ahahhahaa. (Damn verb, I’m not sure which one to use in this sentence lol)

[kendrixtermina]

My Abuser’s been convicted

He’s not going to jail, though he did get a sentence on probation. But he’ll have to spent years working on a remore Island to pay off the fines & debts. It’s as if he were going to jail. 

If weren’t if it was just this, like, he didn’t get convicted for the actual abuse but more a peripheral consequence thereof that came back to bite him. 

My emotions are kind of in a twist over this & how this fits into the moving on with my life. 

TRIGGER WARNING

The Backstory

He’s not being convicted for abuse - indeed, the best thing I can say about him is that he never broke a law. Never left any bruises, never did outright improper touching, kept me fed & provided with material possesions adequate to our overall living standards... and treated all this like it was something he deserved a badge for, or a horrible undue burden I had imposed on him. 

He had so little of a personal connection to him, most of what I know about his life I puzzled together from his few non-horrible relatives and what my mom was told. I never knew he played chess though I took an interest in it in third grade which came to an end over a soul-crushing experience. I didn’t know where he was in the birth order ( Second Born - Which makes some things about how my brother and I were treated and even named very creepy) I only recently found out that his father cheated with & eventually remarried a woman my father’s own age. There’s another thing I can’t disclose for ethical reasons, but, he kept humiliating me in situations related to my mathematics grades till he squeezed all joy out of the subject for me and in the context of what I know it proves that he just never had the slightest shred of empathy for me. 

Well, a parent is supposed to protect their children from their own bad experiences. Not recreate them out of sadism and jealousy. Heck, Im pretty sure he only f***d my mother to breed smart children that would perform well academically, never stopping about how his family is all academics, alternating between calling me stupid & inept, a lazy waste of talent or a person who was “smart but heartless”. I’m nothin but an object to him. He has: 

Threatened that my mom would kill herself if I don’t do his bidding. 

He’s forcibly grabbed me and showed his hand into the cleavage of my dress to supposedly show off to my mother how innapropriate the dress was. 

Expected me to hug & comfort him after spats with my mother. What am I his girlfriend?   

He’s reacted to me being bullied (and once even coerced into undressing by bullies!) by blaming and mocking me. I can still hear him calling me a clown, an embarassment and a “Make-Me-Laugh-Thing” and going on on how I basically couldn’t expect anything else

He called me a “rotten pile of nazi entrails” at age 11 for being unhappy enough to consider running away

He pushed me toward hobbies he liked & then tried to push the same ones onto one of my sisters, essentially “replacing” me post puberty. 

He’s continued to threaten to leave us & replace us with adopted children because we’re supposedly such “ingrates”

. If you cry in front of him, he’d accuse you of “threatre”.

 I’ve heard my mother cry about how his eyes would never sparkle as much for anything related to his family as they did for his job, how she knew he didn’t love her, was afraid he’d leave her without money & only valued her as a baby factory. He tried to push her into adoption & terrorized her children to pressure her.  I’ve come home to constant arguments and objects being thrown around. 

When I graduate from highschool a year ahead, he say there was “nothing to celebrate” because it wasn’t all As & proceeded to humiliate me in front of my siblings. 

He would frequently tell lies about me to my family (Sometimes I have nightmares about this)

He’s been known to throw me me into walls  as a teenager

Once, while he did that, my head very narrowly missed a hard metal radiator. that night, I crept into bed with my mother at the age of 14 because I was so terrified he’d KILL me. Now I know that he never would have, but he kept going on about how everything was dangerous & filled our heads with fear & how we’d kill our siblings if they as much as bumped into hard objects and he said that exact same thing over and over again, “Careful with hitting your heads”. 

I was kept locked & isolated from other children & forbidden from leaving the house or going on school trips/ sllepovers until age 11

Blame me for everything that went wrong in the family (including one time one of  my sisters - then a toddler! -  gave herself a second degree burn. )

Destroyed my favorite toys to terrorize me, repeatedly threatened to kick me out or destroy my computer with all my writing on it

Never read anything I wrote, called it “satanic” and that it was “all lies” because I “knew nothing about people”. Repeatedly shamed me for my introversion & used it against me

called me ugly, crazy, fat, selfish, inept, stupid, a tool, immoral... anything in the book. After a while he noticed that “inept”, “selfish”, “pointlessly rebellious” and “easy to provoke”, as well as terrorizing my mom & siblings hurt the most & weaponized the shit out of it. 

Said I would never get laid & how ugly and unfuckable I am. Yes my own father. 

Once I DID get laid, of course... well, he didn’t use the word slut but he basically called me a slut.

Bisexuality is a phase, liberalism is a phase, atheism is a phase... I am a phase, because apparently, he gets to decide what the real me is that he supposedly “loves” despite repeatedly equating queer people with pedophiles atheists with nazis and sex out of wedlock with degeneracy. 

Tried to have me institutionalized/removed from the family over bogus claims. They ran all possible tests & didn’t find anything, not that I found this out until years later... years that I basically spent resigned that I was some kind of defective mutant freak incapable of bonding with other humans and basically hating myself from ages 9 to 13. (As to how I survived and what happened at age 13, I’ll just say “Art, Sarah and the Internet” and “Neon Genesis Evangelion”, respectively)

The constant condescension, dismissiveness, mockery,  and twisting of my words

Et cetera et cetera; That’s only what I’ve been unable to forget.

Think Humbert Humbert if he liked adult women & had his creepy obsession with procreation instead of youth. The exact same self-serving pretentiousness. That’s him. That’s exactly him. It’s like his throat spits acid instead of words; I used to say that if the happiert person in the room listened to him long enough, they’d end up suicidal. Or, if we go for maximum hipster, this hits the nail on the head:

But very later I have learned

To accept some friends of ridicule

My whole existance is for your amusement

And that is why I’m here with you

To  take me with your eyes

Given how tumblr’s full of  terrible stories of families where sibling bonds were poisoned & people wound up with depression, anxiety or CPTSD I got off pretty fucking lightly with my damn procrastination/self-motivation problem  (by the way a very common result of controlling or stage parents.) that I might be kinda sorta getting a grip on. Helps that I had at least one decent Parent.  

20 years I constantly felt like I was totally replaceable. The man definitely wanted his money back on me, or whatever stepford robot daughter he expected to get when he first put his filthy dick into my mom. 

Every single frustration is his life (that still ended with him being a wealthy, respected Doctor, mind you) he took out on me and the others. But he hated me the most (Though he was pretty shitty to mom and Isabel, too. The others, he simply neglected. Both sucked in its own ways.)

When I was younger, all I wanted with all the inrresponsibe childish stuff I did at times was just for him to get that he HURT me, not for his sake, but my own, to prove that I EXIST have FEELINGs as more than an object basically.

I never wanted his approval or love (I rather had the opposite problem that I felt gross doing thins he might approve of) in fact I felt uneasy around him early on and my first memories of him are of him treating me capriciously and pushing me to be his mini-me. (By contrast my earliest memory of my mom involves songs and  funtime in a garden and her explaining to me what a tulip is), but I guess I thought I had to “win” and prove my reality to him.

 I read up on narcissistic abuse on the web, I saw an university councellor who implored me to move out, but the decision was mine, when I ascertaind my theories so to speak. I realized that it was not that I was explaining badly or failing to be stoic enough, but that he was provoking & playing sadistic games with me. I was talking to someone who was going “lalala” and using everything I said or revealed as a weapon against me. I was just exhausting my energy there, and making my feeling catharsis & justified depending on his fucking aknowledgement. Thee’s no convincing someone who’s actively refusing to hear. 

When I realized that he would rearrange reality to fit is view of being alwys right, saw in full awareness how uch he bent and warped his story to suit his whims no matter what I said, that my revenge fantasies had value of catharsis without having to be implemented in real life, that they were, in fact, wasted on him, I left.

I realized that he was the only one who treated me as worthless and how much my other relatives loved me. I found out that I am perfectly typical specimen of a somewhat uncommon but not altogether outlandish personality type. 

On the occasions that we met, I did my best to ignore and avoid him, and he’d try to force me into interacting with him on the pretense of “politeness” and did the usual “Your bad for not forgiving me” shtick. 

After a while, I reached the point where I could mostly forget about him and not spiral into this blood vessel popping rage every time something reminded me of him. It was nice to not be mocked or yelled at or have new things I liked spoiled by him. I actually lost a bunch of weight just from all the frustration-induced-comfort-food-binging and family-dinner-avoiding-late-night-snacking i was no longer doing. Getting rid of him must have added years to my life.I’m sure moving out added years to my life But I didn’t want to give up on the things he already spoiled & posoned with impossible expectations, so  I was still living with the consequences of what he did to me every day while he wasn’t. 

Sometimes he came up as a logical cause - and nothing will change that not even this new developement - even though I tried & reached a point where im bored of discussing him and just want to forget he exist/ not think about him

So what happened

Well, what happened is really fucking poetic. 

You can’t come up with this shit. 

Sometimes RL writes the best stories and outdoes all fiction, or perhaps fiction authors understand the human condition well enough.

Tax fraud. He’s in trouble for tax fraud. Exept, he frauded no taxes. He pushes all his paperwork, organization and finances off to his wife and has been doing so for years. Can’t even make a bank transaction, never bothered, never lived on his own. Used to call it “traditional family” and “archieving more as an unit” but what it actually is is, he does his job (which he enjoys way more than wife or children) and mom does everything else, including part of his job - not the actual doctorring, but, he ouht to have paid a secretary for everything she’d do. He’d monopolize her for hours to talk job. We had only one parent, except when he came home, then we had zero parents. 

Finances, Parenting, Housekeeping, her own job... all this was done by mom. Lazy bastard never lift a finger, and everyone thinks he’s such a hard worker. He sure does he’d never shut up. 

So, my mom’s sister got struck with horrible disease, going from a hard working single mother to complete invalid in a matter of months. Terrible injustice, because she was a really good person. So, at the same time, the financial crisis hits spain - no jobs or future for her daughters. no help from their father cause he was a serial deadbeat. So, what my mom did was, reevacuate them all to Germany. They have their own place now, one of my cousins is now a nurse & earning her own cash for the family, but, at first, his meant having four extra people living in our house one of which was running up huge medical bills, two girls, my aunt and my grandma, all eating, showering, needing everyday commodities... 

My mom says in hindsight she should have taken a loan but what she ended up doing, perhaps carelessly, was give false numbers on her tax returns. To feed & care for her sick sister and unemployed family members/ now functionally parentless nieces, get the good education and stuff. 

She blames herself a lot more than I blame her; It was kind of a “chaotic good” act IMHO, if there’s a price there’s a price I see they can’t have everybody not paying taxes, but, she did it to FEED HER FAMILY, like, people are more important than money. I believe she was justified there (or I guess that’s my chaotic neutral showing). 

But - She was beating herself up over this & possibly risking the house loans & getting her husband into trouble - it was his money after all, police came & pretty much raided their house for the money, it’s a wealthy Doctor so they think he pocketed the cash for simple ol’ greed and blew it on gold chains or cocaine or something. Nope. He had no clue. (does he ever? He doesn’t know basic shit about any of us.) 

That alone didn’t do it - Instead, I suspect he rather enjoyed his favorite game of playing martyr and my mom, having a conscience, was gonna take full responsibility and accept jail. 

But here’s the kicker: They didn’t buy it. No one would believe that he wasn’t in on it, that he didn’t know what he was doing with his own money. They thought he was blaming his wife to save himself. That he pushed everything onto his wife to the point that he has no clue about his own finances seemed so silly they didn’t buy it. Like many times when I complained about him, his level of jerkass was believed to be too ridiculous to be true - It seemed more likely to them that my mom was simply taking one for the team. Personable, humbly pudgy lady, hardhearted slimey smartass who get lawsuits for being callous to patients before? Who’d you suspect of tax fraud? All the times I heard “Well he’s a doctor and you’re just a crazy little girl” turned upon their head. 

Irony is he’d never do it. And I say that as someone who hates his guts. Same reason he’ll brag about how women dig him and the children he makes but would never actually cheat - He’s too in love with the idea of his own rightheousness. He’s too proud. It’s what his ego is built on. In contrast to his wife, he’s all about them rules wether they’re moral or not. 

And, this is my suspicion because I didn’t wanna pry here, but, I guess he acted like not dumping her over this meant she’d sold him her soul, the usual “ingrate” shtick he pulls whenever he’s displeased- He must have said something outrageous and kellyanne conway levels of reality-bending - 

And mom flipped. At least, she says things happened to make her spill things she’d held back long. I’m not sure if she said this or if he arrived at this on its own, but, he seemed to arrive at the conclusion that this would not have happened if he hadn’t pushed everything onto his wife & actually been there for her. 

As my mom puts it, lots of stuff came together - an ex-co worker conspiring to run out of an old job, me not talking to him, the tax problem... and he couldn’t find a rationalization other than “You’re an animal and there’s a point to what everyone is saying”, and perhaps for the first time, he saw reality. She says it got through to him what he did not me, and by extension what he did wrong with everyone else.  Apparently, things have been rather different since that day.

He’s actually staying out of my way. I don’t have to worry about him inviting himself to my wedding. He’ll be working at the new job he took to collect the money he owes the ministry of finance, but isn’t insisting that my family comes along. So often, he dragged us across the country for his career & took us all away from our friends, but it seems that this time, my sisters get to keep their friends & mom gets to get the new job where she holds a leading position & is well respected. She even said he’d understand if he’s missed that particular train for good. 

Also when little Jana came to visit him, he seemed to actually spend time with her & organize a great & eventful holliday for her. 

�� At least, that’s what my mom says. I’m so use to his fake promises of change, his false remorse, and his flashy gestures of ingratiating behavior - How would anyone ever know the difference for sure?

Especially the vacation for the child, he’d dne things like that before (regardless of wether the children actually enjoyed what he’d planned for them), flashy gestures to prove his “goodness”. flimsy words that “everything will be different”. 

I just don’t want to engage with it personally. 

But you know what makes me believe something changed? Because the person telling me this was my mom, speaking in her own voice - It’s not the dictated Voice Of God(TM), his majesty demanding that everyone accept his version of reality or accept the label of a selfish terrible person. 

It’s her own perspective that I’d sometimes hear when she was angry, a perspective that’s more optimistic than mine & wants to see the good in people; She doesn’t agree with me on everything, she still thinks his deeds were the product of ineptitude rather than malice, entitlement and objectification, but, it’s not like I need her to agree with me. 

The difference is still startling. That wasn’t his Paradigm or what I had experienced so far at all, looking at me leaving as a selfih capriciousthing I did to hurt them or he helping my fuckup self out and i better be grateful. 

She told me instead to convey her utmost thanks to the therapist lady and that moving out was one of the best things that ever happened (!!!), that this was super strong, mature & unexpected of me(aparently she and grandma had written me off as the family spinster and liable to set myself on fire besides XD ...Fair enough, actually, there were quite some misadventures ^^°) That she thought I even looked different since then when my facial muscles weren’t all contorted in anger & more of a glow  beingthere (which she attributed largely to my fiancé so far - and sure, he helped. I cannot stress the awesome enough.)

There was a total aknowledgement that I didn’t owe him shit and that the shit of the past justifies my not talking to him, no pressure, no judgement, no hope or expectation that we would ever get along, just - there were more gushy positive things that I can remember right now. I don’t wanna toot my own horn, it’s just what happened. 

And I’m not sure what to do about/with it. 

What now

It’s a strange feeling and I’m still processing it. I’m only now writing  post though I’ve known about it for a few days. I’ve just been doing things, talking to peeps etc....

In true 5 fashion I couldn’t interact with my BF after that and took a long nighttime walk for cooling/processing (I talked to him right after that tho)

It might seem callous - but, I’m unable to feel anything other than callousness towards this person, because else I could not have survived his constant guilt tripping. The dude just activates my eight, if you pardon the typology speak. 

All I feel is “Serves you right.” Serves you right for being two-faced, bit ya in the ass didn’t it?

Because, he spent all this time convincing the world he was this perfect person, and now they all believed him, and there’s no way Mr. Perfect don’t do his own taxes. 

I understand that it is objectively wrong for someone to be convicted of something he didn’t do. Maybe this is a childish idea of vindictiveness or justice, but, at its heart, that’s not what it’s about. It’s just that in a way it’s a validation of my reality and that I wasn’t making him up, things I kept saying... “If you don’t wanna leave him, then let him do his own laundry for a few weeks” 

It’s that it was for years like everyone thought he was perfect and I was the only one who could see his filthy side and now it’s out in the open. I hit him back. I made him understand. I got him to ignore me back/ leave me in peace. I helped my family be treated better - as a child, I had a hard time accepting that I couldn’t do that, that it wasn’t my place and that the last thing my mom needs is someone else asking her to pick sides or telling her what to do. It was a hard, humbling maturation process with ongoing slipups there to, like, detach, and leave it t me siblings & mom what was their business & none of mine and respect their choices. 

I stopped caring about the other things, too, at least, when I left. I didn’t want or expect him to ever aknowledge my world, my perception or feelings. It’s kind of some of the things I wanted once but didn’t want to want anymore and even if I did, it’s all burned & charred and I’ll never be able to show that person the trust necessary for an intimate relation, not after all the lies, fake apologies that couldn’t be bought without accepting that he was right bout everything after all, and all the emotional expressions so far being used as tools to hurt & control me. I still have nothing in common with him nor any reason.

After the conversation, I felt... purged, the awknowledgement that I somehow do have power, but at the other hand, this doesn’t really change anything for me. 

If he changes - great for him. Great for the family members still attached to him. But I don’t care about HIM, I have to care about me because he never did and nothing changed for me. 

The scary shadow that’s embedded itself in my consciousness so much I still hear it after 2 years of avoiding the man (half of which has been spent happily engaged) may no longer have any sort of physical counterpart in reality. 

So what does that mean for me? theres not a real enemy to push against. or there may or may not be it shouldn’t depend on tht. its not like i believe or need to believe in automatic karma

All in all, I have a feeling like World War II just ended and the Americans just arrived. On the one hand the bad guy were punished... not perfectly, but enough, hard enough to make them look pitiful, I’ve survived, but everything is still in ruins and irretriavably decimated. 

I never want to say never because I aknowledge that it is always possible for me to learn - I thought it was unlikely I’d ever get married and even less to a man, but I said it might be possible, and now ive come across this situation and this person where it makes perfect sense and is totally worth it. If I had said “cia, doesn’t fit my profile” the moment he suggested it, I would have missed this. 

Then again, I also hold that conflating  0% sure and 99% sure is one of the great errors of humanity - there is such a thing like reasonable doubt but that does not mean knowing nothing. Knowing almost everything is not knowing nothing. its just a fact of how our universe works sometimes - what is the position & impulse of an electron at any given moment? Can’t say, it’s uncertain to a measurable degree. 

We can’t disprove that there isn’t a big pink sucker on the backside of pluto but we have no reason to suppose it either.

And at that level of certainty,have to say  I would be unable to forgive the man or even feel anything other than hatred toward him if he wore the crown of thorns

I can’t ever trust him & emotionally reveal myself to him, too often has he twisted my words. It’s not about being obsessed with him either - there’s 7 billion peeps on this planet he’s welcome to make friends with im just not one of them. I’m generally not friends with people just for the heck of it. 

I mean, I get it. Mom says she may have been too hesitant to let me go, the counselling lady said something in that direction, I might be biased as her daughter, but, actually, I think she was right in her estimate/ justified in that reluctance, like, I get it, I’m a vaguely shizoid hyperdweeb and peopling is hard for me. Even if this high grade quality snowflake relationship there’s work - as hthere always seems to be, realistically - and don’t have this natural sense for what people expect. 

But though I reserve the right to declare this some premature epiphyny just in case and for personal effort, I’m... and a spent a while debating & deliberately decising the word choice here.... beginning to dare think that I might be able to like, handle that & make peace with it like I’ve made peace with my inner unapologetic  snowflakey emo child back in my teens.